The Art and Science of Parenting Teens

Adolescence is complex, and so is adoption.

Some kids find their teenage years to be confusing and extremely difficult, while others appear to sail through them fairly seamlessly.  Some parents find teenagers to be confusing and extremely difficult, while others appear to be raising some kind of magical unicorn.  

There is no one-size-fits-all for children and teens. Generalizations are difficult because, in reality, everyone’s story is a case study of one.  Here are our best tips for what to expect and how to parent your adopted teen:

1.     The issues of identity, belonging, and feeling different:  This looms large for all teens. It’s important to understand that an adopted teen may have struggles on top of regular adolescent angst.  It is hardly surprising, that during adolescence, adoption issues can become more potent.

2.     While it may not be obvious to the teen, they will be working out their values, beliefs, their sexual identity, relationships with family, and “who they really are.”  This is all on top of coping with significant changes in their body, the demands of school, and the challenging process of finding their place in the complicated culture of peer groups. The work of forming an identity never really ends; but for most of us, the really important work in this area starts as a teen. 

3.     Early trauma: Adopted teens are, in fact, disproportionately represented in therapeutic programs.  Let’s normalize that all teens and especially, adopted teens, might benefit from therapy.  Adopted teens have complicated early life experiences and the degree of their trauma and loss may correspond to the complexity of issues that can best be addressed in therapy.

4.     Gaps in history: When gaps exist about their birth family’s history, the teen may fill in the blanks with perceived details. The resulting story may project an alternate reality. It is not unusual for adopted teens to hang out with kids who resemble a world from where they think they came. 

5.     Inconsistencies:  When birth family history is known and ongoing contact is in place, it can be especially confusing to reconcile.  Messages from the adoptive parent might be in direct conflict with messages received from the birth parent.  An accidental tug of war situation can occur and the only way to identify the significance is through ongoing communication.

6.     Anger: Anger can be one of the prevalent emotions expressed by an adopted teen—anger about abandonment by their birth parents, anger towards their adoptive parents and anger toward a system that keeps secrets from them about themselves. When secrecy is part of their adoption story – accidental disclosures can happen at any time. Learning details about themselves from anyone other than a parent often results in anger and a breach of trust.

Tips for Parenting an Adopted Teen:

TALK ABOUT THE HARD STUFF:  Our  strongest recommendation is for parents to talk honestly with their kids. Details about the past, even the painful details, compose a person’s history. When parents wait to share important information about their child’s past, the delay may feel like a breach of trust. Teens may interpret this as, “Things were kept from me, about me and you don’t trust me with my truth.” Omissions in truth may cause the teen to believe that you, the parent, cannot be trusted. This is part of the downward spiral that an adopted teen may sometimes encounter when open communication isn’t a household practice.

SET BOUNDARIES: The transition of parenting little kids to big kids can involve a hard and clunky transition. You once solved all of your childs problems because they had no skill set to do so on their own. Now it is time to allow them some autonomy over their own choices, responses and problem solving. These are their best lessons, the ones that will reaally stick – because they chose them. Letting kids demonstrate some agency, for better or for worse, can be an excellent teacher.

However, all kids and teenagers do better in environments where there are clearly defined and enforced boundaries about what is acceptable behavior.  Teenagers without clearly defined boundaries struggle to develop confidence and a sense of responsibility. While clear boundaries can cause conflict occasionally, overall they reduce friction in parent-teen relationships and work to strengthen the bond between parents and the adolescent kids.  

Growing up is all about expanding boundaries. When teenagers are left to their own devices to determine at what rate the limits can expand it creates a level of anxiety and uncertainty. This lack of certainty will commonly manifest as a sense of bravado and arrogance as the insecure teen is forced to mask their uncertainty with an exterior of overconfidence and self-assurance.  Prolonged periods with lack of defined limits will result in a teenager believing they need to be self-directed, and in the absence of any clearer direction will adopt their own sense of what is and isn’t acceptable. (This will often be informed by peers – who are either in the same boat or whom may be exaggerating what their own limits are.)

When parents impose limits in an ad hoc nature teenagers become frustrated and angry, usually resulting in conflict and the teenager projecting a sense of entitlement. This is only natural as they have developed a self-regulated sense of what is okay due to the absence of guidance and parental influence.

DEFINE EXPECTATIONS:  Issues of control are also a hallmark of adolescence. Most teens will struggle with their parents over decision-making and rules around acceptable behavior. It’s common for adoptive parents to have a strong impulse to retain control over their growing teen because of fear.   We advise parents that they must show trust in their children. This can be aided by working with their teen’s acceptable behavior around schoolwork, friends, chores and socializing, and putting in place privileges or consequences related to adherence to the agreements.

The way you help your teen know and operate within acceptable limits is to:

• Set the boundary in advance

• It needs to be clear to both you and your teenager

• Consequence for breaching a boundary needs to be stated upfront

• Consequences need to be enforced – parents must follow through over time

Some of the more important issues include:

• Contribution to the household life – chores, mealtimes etc.

• What nights can be spent out of the house and the associated times to be home by

• Use of phones, computers, and internet

• The consumption (or not) of alcohol, tobacco, other drugs

• Where and when boyfriends/girlfriends can be in the house (i.e. in bedrooms, when parents are absent, etc.)

• Motor vehicle usage and passengers

• Number of after school activities per week

ADDRESS ENTITLED BEHAVIORS: The teen years are a naturally narcissistic time.  Teens want, and need and think about things very narrowly.  A common parental complaint is about teens who seem to exhibit a lot of entitled behaviors.  One of the most effective ways to stop the cycle of entitlement is to role model being appreciative. Note the times your teen contributes, takes responsibility, or deals with a problem constructively and offer them encouragement.  Encouragement should be specific and meaningful. Your teen needs to understand exactly what it is they have done that was positive. So, while surprise gifts or extra privileges are nice from time to time, using words to explain to your teen the positive behavior you have noticed is important for their learning and sense of self.

RESPONSIBILITY:  Give your teenager age-appropriate responsibilities as part of family life – this should not be considered “optional.”  Teenagers thrive when they have responsibilities and the ability to contribute meaningfully.  One of the most misguided things modern parents do to their teenagers is absolve them of having to commit to contributing in a significant and tangible manner. Teenagers need to know that they belong and are significant. The simplest way of this happening is teens having responsibilities within the family unit and around the home.

The most basic responsibility is to oneself. Teenagers need to be encouraged to take responsibility for their own personal hygiene, getting themselves organized, and managing their own time and money. These expectations and responsibilities should increase with age. Parents will need to assist teens in taking on these responsibilities and offer training and prompts, but ultimately parents need to relinquish the responsibility to their teenagers.

CHORES:  Teens also do better when there are expectations that they contribute to family life. This can be a simple as showing up to meals on time or letting others know where they are going to be, through to having areas of the house or yard they are responsible for managing. Few teenagers will outwardly thank parents for these types of responsibilities, and in fact, will likely groan and moan about them, but deep down the sense of place and ownership are valued.

As teens get older encourage them to get a job or find a way to use their time to serve others. When children can earn things for themselves, it gives them a dose of reality and helps with their own feelings of self-respect. And part of your role as a parent is to teach your child how to work to earn things. In this way, you’re teaching responsibility and preparing your kids for real life.  They can babysit, pet sit, mow lawns, get a part-time job to earn money.  Some teens can be extremely busy with school and sports obligations. If they are too busy for the rigor of maintaining a job – you might consider a routine volunteer assignment in the community instead.

ACCOUNTABILITY:  Actions have consequences, and part of growing up is learning to take responsibility for our actions. This includes dealing with the consequences.  Let your teen be the recipient of the consequences caused by their own action, or inaction.

Teaching teens accountability works on a couple of different levels; natural consequences and connected consequences.  Being accountable due to natural consequences includes failing a test because they did not study or pay attention in class, walking and being late to school because they slept in and missed the bus, or not having their favorite dress to wear because they didn’t get it to the laundry in time. The consequence is directly linked to and caused by their behavior. Natural consequences can include things like having to pay for a replacement phone if they lose or break their own, and/or not having a phone until they do earn the money to pay it back.

Being accountable via connected consequences occurs when the consequence is imposed due to their failure to comply or cooperate as agreed. Connected consequences work best when known about ahead of time. While ideally related to the action, connected consequences require a level of artificial intervention and enforcement by the parent.

Parents often wonder what reasonable consequences might be for common teenage misbehaviors.  Here are some solutions we’ve witnessed to work well for other families:

• Curfew: If a teenager fails to be home by the agreed time, they are required to be home an hour earlier for the next night.

• Screentime limits:   If a teenager is caught with an iPad in their room after lights out which is against the family agreement, the teen loses access to their iPad and Phone for 3 days.

• Disrespect:  If your child seems to be developing a habit of using disrespectful language, it’s okay to say, “It makes me feel bad when you talk to me unkindly. Please stop.” or “I see a bad habit developing. It’s my job as your parent to make sure you learn to speak respectfully. This is an important life skill.”  If they abuse or use verbal aggression against another family member they might lose access to a privilege for 3 days and instead have extra chores for that same period.

• Failure to complete Homework:  Inform them that privileges like cell phones, TV time, extra-curricular activities and outings with friends all have to be earned…with good grades.

• Refusal to get a job: Every dollar you spend on non-necessities for them will now have to be matched by a dollar from them. This could involve their cell phone bill, movies with friends, gas and insurance for their car. Perhaps a condition of them getting any of these opportunities in the first place is that they have to pay for part of it.

It is important to define an understanding between what constitutes a need, and what is a privilege.  Be very clear and make sure you’re on the same page.  Privileges can be taken away or not given, needs really should be provided. You have to know the difference and not get confused by your teenager’s sense of what they think they need.  If you provide an abundance of privileges to your teenager even when they treat you with contempt, you will breed an ever-increasing sense of entitlement.

• If your teenager wants something extra, i.e. a new piece of technology or money for a trip away, then work out a way for them to help find the funds to get it done. Give them more jobs around the home (if you can afford it) or help them find a part-time job if they are old enough.

• A key time to give your teen opportunity is when they lose a privilege, i.e. banned from Xbox, allowance docked, or their curfew is reduced). When this happens explains to your teen how they could speed up the process of having the privilege restored or how they could make amends for what they have done. Giving consequences without offering the opportunity to demonstrate learning and the ability to change, can be discouraging and build resentment.

For more teen parenting strategies: Please visit our “Teen” Pinterest Board where we have collected resources that include parenting contracts, chores information, podcasts and books you might consider.

Consider this book: Beneath the Mask, understanding Adopted Teens by Debbie Riley, M.S.

Consider listening to Podcasts designed for Parents of Teenagers:

America’s Kids Belong brings foster care closer to home with stories from the front lines. They talk with former foster youth, foster parents and remarkable individuals who are finding unique and powerful ways to dramatically improve the experiences and outcomes for kids in foster care.

Talking to Teens Andy Earls is the host of this show. He is a researcher and writer who work focuses on adolescent risk behaviors and parent-teen communication. No topic is left uncovered here, as this is a very comprehensive wealth of info and support.

Mighty Parenting Hosted by author and speaker Sandy Fowler, Mighty Parentings focus is to “empower parents as we share the unspoken truth about the challenges facing teens.” Supplies parents with information, tools, and support for raising emotionally healthy children with a weekly podcast, as well as a sense of community to empower families with information, skills, and healthy coping strategies to “manage the unique challenges our youth face today.”

Your Teen with Sue and Steph From the founders of Your Teen Media, boasts great interviews with a variety of parenting experts, including counselors, educators, writers, and health care professionals. Episodes run under 30 minutes.

Parenting Great Kids With almost eight hundred 5 star reviews, this podcast hosted by pediatrician, best-selling author, and mom Dr. Meg Meeker offers engaging discussions on how to best simplify parenting tens, while giving lots of hope and encouragement to those struggling in the adolescent angst trenches.

Their Own Devices Join Marc Groman, an Obama White House tech and privacy adviser, and David Reitman, an adolescent medical doctor, for discussions and tips about screen time, social media, sexting, privacy, online gaming, and other challenges facing parents of teens today.

Power Your Parenting: Moms with Teens Colleen O’Grady, MA. is the author of “Dial Down the Drama: Reduce Conflict and Reconnect with Your Teenage Daughter—A Guide for Mothers Everywhere.” In this uplifting and informative podcast, she shares her wisdom from twenty-five years of experience as a licensed marriage and family therapist which translates into over 50,000 hours of working with parents and teens.