“In your waiting, God is working”

We are a part of the Chrysalis Family like all of you.  We were right where you are not too long ago and we know what an exciting and scary feeling it is. We remember leaving night six and thinking how surreal it was to be so much closer to filling out our profiles and meeting our child. It was a little overwhelming thinking about the decisions that needed to be made.  After praying about it, we knew what we were capable of giving a child and even though we could love all children, we needed to be honest with what we could and couldn’t provide a child.  We knew that with our lifestyle of being a military family and having other children we couldn’t give a child with full medical needs the one on one care they deserved.  When we completed our profile, we were open to most other things. We didn’t want to be so closed off to everything that we would miss the opportunity of seeing a profile of a child that could be ours. We don’t know any of you personally but we hope sharing a little bit about our experiences and life, can help you through this amazing time in your life.

We always thought adoption would be a part of our story. We have two biological kids, a daughter and a son. Our kids were always included in the conversations about adopting someday and we felt that when we told them that we were finally making that dream come true it was important to let them be a part of the process and to truly listen to them in what they wanted. It was important for our daughter to stay the oldest and our son didn’t want to be the youngest anymore so we made sure that is how it would be when we filled out our profile. Before our classes began, we felt it was important to have our kids meet with their children’s pastor. It would give them a safe place to share their feelings and any worries they could possibly have without feeling like they would hurt our feelings. This was especially beneficial for our son. Our daughter is very vocal with her feelings and our son always takes a little longer to open up. Our pastor asked them questions and our son just opened up so much and we truly didn’t know before that, how excited he really was. It was so good for all of us.

When we talked with our friend that had adopted several years ago, she said the one piece of advice that she wishes someone would have given her before starting their journey was to Trust in her Faith. We took that to heart and that has been what has helped us and continues to help us. We don’t know your religious background but if faith is a part of your lives, that is the piece of advice we want to share with you all. There will be ups and downs, pauses, and changes throughout this journey.  We are going to share a little about our journey starting after we were officially licensed.  About a week after we were licensed, we received a profile that we put in for because at that point there wasn’t enough information for us to truly know if we were interested or not. A couple days later we got matched. I, was shocked about my feelings in that moment. I didn’t react the way that I thought I would when getting a matched call, but then again, I have never been in that situation so I didn’t think too much about it after that.  After learning more about what some of their medical needs meant we decided not to move forward. With every part of me I knew we were making the best decision; however, it tore me up and I spent that weekend very emotional and the guilt of not saying yes consumed me. Thankfully, I was able to realize that it was ok to say no. I could feel for those kids and every other profile that would come in that we didn’t put in for but if we had said yes over guilt it wouldn’t have been good for them or us for the future. This gave me the courage to trust my gut and my heart as we continued on.  I just pray me sharing this with you helps you as you see profiles that you feel “Guilty” over saying no to. It is really impossible to have expectations, having faith allows us to “roll with it” and have a clear view to move on.  We received many profiles after that and I was able to see what I told myself after the first profile experience, that maybe we went thru that for a reason. We truly did, my husband and I were able to look at profiles without guilt and knew that we could trust our feelings. Sadness for a child isn’t lessened just because you lose the guilt. Some profiles we could clearly state why we decided to not to be forward, and others it was only “feelings” that we had. We did put in for some profiles that we didn’t get picked for. One profile in particular there was a picture of the child and a good amount of information about her. They had a list of what they were looking for in a family for this child and every single thing fit our life. We could picture her being here if we were picked. A few weeks later we found out she was matched with another family. The one friend that knew we put in for a child and our feelings about it asked if we were ok. See, the thing is we were ok; we knew God didn’t think that was our child and even though there was clearly so much that would have fit for our family. There were things that we probably didn’t know that wouldn’t have.

Since the beginning we have prayed every night for God to bring us the child that is perfect for our family.  Soon after that profile we received an email about a child. It was not the typical profile that we had been seeing. It was for a three-year-old boy and that was pretty much all the information we had, other than it was going to be a case that if you said yes and were matched things would move very quickly. We talked and both of us quickly said yes, we need to put in for this profile. It was a feeling in our hearts. With so little information, God again gave us all the information in the moment that we needed.  We didn’t hear anything more and we assumed that he had been matched. About a month and a half later we heard that he hadn’t been. The social worker hadn’t picked a family yet.  More profiles came in and we again put in for a few.  A day after we put in for two separate profiles, I, received a phone call while I was at work. The first thing my Social worker said after she asked how I was doing was, I am not calling for the reason you probably think I am. She was right, those two profiles we put in for the night before was what I thought she was calling about. Instead she was calling to tell me that we had been matched with the three-year-old boy that we had put in two months prior.

My husband and I decided to move forward with the meeting that would be several hours away in less than 48hrs. We went to the meeting and knew during it we were going to say yes. We talked to our social worked outside after and said we were going to say yes. (We needed to let the child’s social worker know ASAP that day, and the work day was almost over). My husband’s yes was a very excited yes, mine was an excited but a nervous excited. A completely different feeling and reaction than our first match. See for me, my mind went into the future, what our life was about to be like, was this our child that we prayed for, etc. It was the exact some feelings I had 2 weeks before having my second child. I think sometimes that is just how a mom’s mind works. We were to find out a few days later if the court ruled for this child to leave where he was and if they did, we would have our son as soon as a few hours later, no transitions, etc. 

On the day we were to find out the Court ruling, I got called while I was at work. My heart was racing waiting for what she would tell us. Was he coming, or staying where he was? Instead, she told us something that none of us were planning to hear. It wasn’t a yes and it wasn’t a no. The judge was extending the hearing and it was going to be 4 more weeks until that hearing.  We now had another decision to make. If we decided to wait then we were going to be on a hold from seeing any other profiles. If we didn’t, we could risk losing the chance to bring home the child that was to be ours. I called Zach at work and we both decided we would wait. There was a reason for the wait, and if it wasn’t because he was to be ours, then maybe we were to not see any other profiles that would have come in that month. During that time, we prayed that God put him where he was supposed to be, whether it was with us or where he was. As long as he was happy and safe. We could start imagining him here, the kids would talk about him and say I know he is coming mom and we were ready for what ever happened. We were a week out from the court date and were getting more anxious; I wrote our social worker and told her I felt like I was waiting for my water to break. Because, in reality you are waiting for that moment, and when “it happens” you have to be ready for anything.

The kids and I got home from school on a Friday night and we were waiting for my husband to get home for us to enjoy our night. My phone rang and it was our social worker. I literally just thought she was calling because I had forgotten to reply to her email about an event.  She again asked how I was doing and then said “Are you ready for a 3-year-old?” Man, just writing that gives me chills again. I started crying, I was so happy and so in shock since court was a week away. I couldn’t wait for my husband to get home from work to tell him, and then the kids. Everyone was over the moon. We stayed up late, running to the store, making his room specific to him, changing the crib to a toddler bed, installing the car seat, and on and on and on. We had less than 48hrs before we would go meet our son. The child that we didn’t know much about, the child that we had just learned his name at the meeting three weeks prior, the child that we hadn’t met or knew what he looked like, OUR CHILD.

The plan was for us to drive there, meet him and spend several hours with him and then the next day we would get him back before driving home. A super quick process. The day came and we were so excited and nervous. Our hearts were all in. There was no getting to meet him and change our minds, there was no him getting use to us before bringing him home. This was it! I read blogs about adoptive parents not having that initial love toward the child, it took several months. Would that be me? Would I love this child because it was a child or would I get that “mom instinct feeling?” I wasn’t sure and that was what I was the most nervous about. We arrived to the place where we were to meet him and met up with our social worker.

We had some time before he was going to arrive so we sat inside to fill out our paperwork and found out that plans had changed again. We weren’t spending the day with him and coming back for another visit, we were going to meet him and drive home with him within the hour of seeing him for the first time.

We smiled and said “OK, here we go”. A few minutes later we look up and see the back of a lady and the back of a child. I whispered to my husband, I think that is him, I just had this weird feeling, when they turned and I saw that it was his social worker and I saw his face for the first time, my heart instantly fell in love. We went to a room to play with him for a little while and get everything in order and then we were on the road.  We got to come home and surprise our other two kids a day early with their new brother and they were so happy.

Preparing for this process, we have let the kids know to prepare for anything that might come with a child that would join our family. Like I said earlier, our profile was pretty open to anything. We didn’t know if we would get a child of a different race and talked about how they would deal with that if others said that wasn’t their sibling or worse. We talked about how they didn’t grow up learning and being taught things and it was our job to teach them, and how they could be angry, sad, yelling, and throwing things and it didn’t mean it was directed toward them but that they were probably scared and confused. Our new son didn’t cry, not when we met him, not when he drove away with us and not even the first night. It wasn’t what we expected or prepared for. There really can’t be any expectations. From the timeline of it all, to their feelings.

I am glad we prepared for it all, it was a nice pleasant surprise that we didn’t have some of the behaviors but we were all ready for it.  A few days after we brought him home, on the day that we were to actually find out if he was ours or not, we faced another challenge. I would find out that I had skin cancer. Talk about going into this new way of life and then throwing that in the mix. When we found out he was coming a week earlier than we had gotten told was possible, were surprised like I said but it wasn’t until hearing that news that it all made sense to us. See, the day we were to find out, would have been the day I got told some scary news. Instead of the Devil trying to take away and steal our joy, God made sure that didn’t happen. He brought us this precious gift and nothing was going to steal our joy after that. I couldn’t sit and worry and let that news consume me, yes, I was a little scared but I knew that we would not be given this Gift, for God to allow anything to take it away. I had someone that was relying on me to feel safe, loved, and be happy and that is where my focus was. That and someone also needed potty trained😊 which gave us a lot of bonding time in the bathroom, talking, singing songs, and reading stories.

The first cry he every had was after he had a potty training accident. It was a complete breakdown. We didn’t know until after he calmed down what he was so upset about. I rocked him and got him calm. Once he told me why he was crying I was able to explain to him that he won’t be in trouble here for that, if he has an accident he doesn’t need to hide, he could come tell us and we would help him. Once my husband said the same thing to him separately, he saw that the two of us meant it and he never had the emotional meltdown again.

Now to the rocking. I know in class you all learned about some kids resort back to something that comforts them younger than what their age typically does, whether a bottle, pacifier, rocking, etc.  Listen to that. The first night our little guy came we had got him a little gift that came with a story, I held him in the rocking chair and we all sat in the room to listen to it. I then rocked him and sang to him until he fell asleep. The rocking chair is still the place we go if he is upset or needing talked too. We will initiate it sometimes and other times he will ask to go rock. He feels safe and opens up with anything he needs to talk about, looks us in the eye and can focus on what you are telling him.

God is a part of his life too by us talking about it. It helps him understand why he left the family that had him, his feelings and how his actions affect others. It opens his heart to so much love and understanding. We read him a children’s bible at night along with his other books and our line up of songs. It asks kids two questions to answer at the end of the Bible story for that night. It puts us in awe each night hearing his own from the heart answers. Having this love of God really helped with a recent set of emotions that he had to understand and overcome.

Like all of you we were hit with the shock of Covid-19. It is still a scary time with uncertainty of what the new normal will be. For us, the silver lining was all the time we were able to bond as a family. The older two being home from school, Me continuing to be home from work, and a new schedule allowing my husband to be home all but 3 days a week. It was just what we needed being able to “Cocoon” on a deeper level. When my husband had to return to work and be out of town – those new emotions surprised us all. We knew it would be different for him, that he would miss him, but we never expected how much. He didn’t know how to explain all these emotions other than he missed Daddy – he would either be crying, happy, snippier and at times disrespectful. It was so hard on me because I wanted to be able to make everything better but all I could do was remind him how loved he was, how safe he was, and pray with him. Teaching him that it is ok to have emotions, but also what to try and do in those moments. I felt guilt for having to discipline him more than normal because I didn’t want him to feel like he was being yelled at like his past. Please remember especially if you have children already, this is a different type of parenting. You have to use the “trauma informed” parenting approach. At times it will feel different to your children, but again have those conversations with them and explain it as best you can. What came out of that week was a stronger love and bond. I am thankful that we have a great social worker who is there when we need that extra boost of encouragement or to validate our feelings or concerns.

Through this all we were also blessed with not only have our family and friends support, but we were blessed to have met new friends as well. We hit it off with two couples during orientation and immediately became “Instant Family”, we have done dinners and parties together, our kids became friends, and we have shared many phone calls, texts, and prayer together. If you are lucky enough to have made any of those connections during class, stay connected after. Having people that truly get what you are going through and to share in the waiting, the sadness, and exciting times with is something that will bless you so much.

We wish you all the best in your journey ahead and hope that some of the things we talked about helps you out as you move forward.  Just remember, no expectations, trust your heart, be ready in a moments notice, and as long as you give the child all your love, they will feel it in their heart. It might take some of them time, and for others it might come quickly.

“In your waiting, God is working”

God Bless,

K & Z