Our Adoption Experience
Hi! Let’s go on a journey together but before we do, here’s some boring background information about us to provide a little context. Also, we’re about to become BFFs so you should at least know a tiny bit about who we are!
My husband is a Network Engineer. He always wanted to be a computer guy and he followed his passions into Information Technology. I always wanted to go into healthcare but I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to do. I majored in Health Sciences and went on to become a Sonographer, which is a fancy term for an Ultrasound Technician. We have two biological children – a six year old boy and a four year old boy. Getting our biological children into the world came with its challenges. Our oldest was born with a very rare tumor in his lung. He had to have part of his lung removed when he was just a few months old. I thought my pregnancy with my four year old was going to be my “comeback pregnancy”, and it was! …Until it wasn’t. When I was 30 weeks pregnant with him I had a placental abruption which started me into preterm labor. I ended up having to be on hospital bedrest for a few weeks and then on home bed rest until I delivered. Thankfully our six year old and four year old are healthy and thriving today. Unbeknownst to us, each of these experiences helped prepare us for an even bigger adoption adventure.
Okay, let’s get to the good part!
We always casually talked about adopting one day, but it was never any sort of concrete part of our family plan. We both have family members who were adopted so it was a very natural concept to us. In March 2021, we began to feel a sense of urgency that we should adopt. We didn’t really know where to start so we began googling local agencies and talking with friends who had adopted before. We narrowed our list down to three agencies and called each of them, with Chrysalis House being the third. The first agency didn’t feel like a good fit. The second agency said they wouldn’t even go through the home study process with us because of our age parameters (our oldest had just turned five and it was important to us to keep him the oldest). Then I called Chrysalis House! Stephanie Schmidt answered the phone. I don’t think it was even typical for her to answer the phone but she did that day and as we spoke I knew Chrysalis House was where we needed to be. I cautiously told Stephanie the age parameters we were looking for, and she kindly reassured me that if we were willing to adopt and potentially willing to wait that the right fit would come along.
We worked through all of the paperwork and the training courses. We were so happy to learn that Stephanie was assigned to be our social worker because we felt like she really understood us and was cheering us on. When we got to the discussion of what type of children we were interested in, Stephanie encouraged us to be realistic about what we could handle, but also encouraged us to cast a wide net because maybe what we thought we were looking for or thought would be a good fit would evolve over time. We finished the home study process and then we were ready to put our home study out there! We received several profiles over the next few months and submitted our home study for several. Eventually, in December 2021, we received a profile for micro preemie twin boys in the NICU. Their profile sounded a little lot daunting as it detailed some of their medical challenges, but we decided to send in our home study because we wanted to learn more. In early January we learned that the county wanted to meet us for a disclosure meeting. We had the disclosure meeting in mid January and it was overwhelming but very informative. The first line of the Case Summary we were given during the meeting said they were medically fragile twins in the NICU and “it is unknown whether they will survive due to having severe medical issues.” Wow! Okay! Thankfully their Neonatologist was invited to get on the call and we were able to ask him specific questions regarding the twins’ health and prognosis. At the end of the meeting the county let us know that they would like to move forward and informed us that we had 24 hours to decide. WHOA! 24 HOURS?! Okay! Let’s figure this out! So even though we still had not seen any sort of picture of the twins etc., We cleared our schedules that evening so we could spend time counseling and praying together. We also counseled with each of our families to make sure they were on board as we quickly realized during the disclosure meeting that if we decided to move forward with the twins we would need all the help we could get! Thankfully we both have great support systems and our families were ready to jump all the way in if that was what we decided to do. As we counseled and prayed together, we felt such a peace that evening that this is what we needed to do! The next day we let Stephanie know we’d like to say YES! Before we knew it we were on our way to the hospital a few days later to meet our little guys.
We were both very nervous on the way to the hospital and I don’t know about you, but when I get nervous I usually turn to humor as a coping mechanism. As the realization again came that we hadn’t even seen a picture of our little guys I joked, and please don’t take this the wrong way, that this was like getting a house sight unseen, but even crazier because these were real-life human beings that we were going to take into our hearts and into our home and love on forever and we had no idea what they even looked like! I remember saying to my husband, “What if they have triangular shaped heads and one eyeball in the middle?” Obviously those were silly and superficial thoughts and we were going to love them forever no matter if they had one eye in the middle or not. But truth be told, they did have some pretty crazy shaped heads from being in the NICU for so long, so here’s my little plug for Cranial Technologies who saved the day with their helmet orthotics the twins were in for over eight months. While I say that all in jest, the first night meeting the twins was very special but extremely overwhelming. There were a few significant health challenges that we didn’t learn about during the disclosure meeting. These health challenges did not change our decision, but we just weren’t mentally prepared for them. I find it to be no coincidence that the twins’ nurse that first evening was a traveler from out of state who had adopted two medically fragile children from foster care. She filled us with hope, yet we still walked out of the NICU a few hours later almost speechless. We felt both peace and completely crazy for taking on medically fragile twins with so many challenges. I remember saying, “What are we getting ourselves into?! We’re crazy people!! But we can do this, right?! ” That has kind of become our mantra over the past two years.
For the next month we basically planted ourselves in the NICU as much as we possibly could. We quickly realized that we had a lot to learn from the nurses and specialists if we were going to be successful at home. I spent 8-12 hours a day at the NICU and my husband would come after work and on the weekends. While we were in the NICU our older two got to bounce between Grandma’s house and cousins houses and they were loving the vacation.
After a few weeks of a crash course from nurses and doctors we felt (mostly) confident in bringing the twins home and the doctors felt it was time as well. The twins were discharged on Valentine’s Day 2022. What a special day we’ll always remember (this is where you sigh and say, “awww”). LOL That last sentence makes it sound like it was complete bliss, and it was, but it was also completely terrifying. On the way home one of the twins refluxed and his oxygen saturations dropped into the 70s. Then at about 2am one of their pulse oximeter machines started malfunctioning and beeping incessantly. It would not stop so we had to call the on-call equipment provider who had to drive up from Bakersfield to replace it. Once again, we found ourselves saying “What are we getting ourselves into?! We’re crazy people! But we can do this, right?!!”
Since coming home from the NICU life has been filled with so much joy but also a lot of challenges. As we opened up our hearts to the twins we also opened up our home to social workers, case managers, physical therapists, early intervention specialists, and medical supplies and equipment. So many medical supplies and so much equipment! The twins have had hundreds of medical appointments, with most weeks ranging from five to nine appointments per week. They’ve never been healthy for four weeks straight in their lives. They’ve always followed a pattern of four to six weeks sick followed by two to three weeks healthy. We’ve basically turned our home into a mini hospital and when they’re sick we hunker down and keep them home as long as possible. But despite our best efforts, the twins’ have been hospitalized over 20 times since we left the NICU. I’m not talking ER visits – I’m saying they’ve had over 20 multiple night stays in the hospital. The trickiest ones have been when they’ve been admitted at the same time, but in different sections of the hospital. One of the twins likes to make like an opossum and just go unresponsive sometimes without warning. It’s totally not cool. He did it about once a week in the NICU so thankfully we were somewhat trained on what to do when it happens. The most recent time was actually the morning of our adoption signing. It was our scariest episode because it lasted a long time and the things we normally do to bring him back were not working. Miraculously he came back just before paramedics arrived. I texted Stephanie and our county social worker from the ambulance on the way to the hospital to let them know what was going on. I was worried we’d have to push back our signing date, but they were willing to pivot and showed up to the hospital so we could sign! I think I remember both of them saying this was the first time they’ve ever had to do a signing in a hospital. The staff at the hospital was so sweet to allow them to come in and they even brought us a helium “Congratulations” balloon tethered to an IV bag as a weight to share in the excitement. Several experiences, especially the unresponsive episodes, have really broken us. Don’t worry – we have great therapists!
We could not have survived the past two years without our whole village rallying around us and bearing us up when we’ve needed it most. This village has included our families, friends, church community, coworkers, the twins’ specialists, and it has definitely included Stephanie, who I say has become our life coach. She has been a source of strength as we navigated both the complexities of the legal process and the complexities of life with medically fragile twins. We consider her a great friend and whether she likes it or not we are BFFs for life! We’ve also been so blessed to have gained community with other families with children who have high needs and other parents navigating foster care and adoption.
Want to know one of the funniest comments we’ve gotten in the past two years? Okay, I’ll tell you! It’s when people say, “It takes a special person to foster and/or adopt.” It bothers me when people say that because there is nothing special about us. In fact, our lives feel like a giant mess most of the time but we try to look put together on the outside. We are not special people, we were just willing to say yes. When we’re willing to say yes our lives get a little messier but our capacities increase, our hearts grow, and joy abounds – even when it’s stinkin’ hard!
The past two years have been the hardest years of our lives, yet also the most beautiful. We have been overcome with joy as we’ve watched the twins really come into their own. They have been through more in their short little lives than I will probably ever have to go through in mine and yet they are the happiest, most resilient little guys. They exude joy and are quick to smile at all who meet them. Their determination as they’ve worked through breathing difficulties, illnesses, gross motor delays, and other health challenges and diagnoses has been inspiring. They’ve taught us about perseverance, patience, long suffering, resilience, and finding joy in the journey. They’ve given us great perspective as we’ve learned to find the beauty in celebrating “inchstones” before the milestones come. We could not imagine our family without them. The bond they share with their older brothers and cousins is amazing. We love them so much. We know that they will continue to have challenges throughout their lives. We expect they will continue to have medical challenges, and we are not naive to the fact that they will face other unique challenges that come along with adoption. However, if the last two years have taught us anything, they’ve taught us that WE CAN, indeed, GET THROUGH THIS! We’re here to give them every tool and resource we can find to help them grow and cheer them on along the way.
Okay so we’re BFFs now right?! While we are not experts on anything, we have learned so much about foster care, adoption, and caring for medically fragile little ones. We’ve discovered so many resources available to families. Let’s chat! If we can be of any help to you please get our contact info from the agency! We’d love to expand our community and cheer you on as we navigate this journey together!